One thing I find quite fascinating: Americans -at least the ones surrounding me- are obsessed with lunch. It’s not breakfast, dinner or any other kind of snack time, it’s lunch! While I can go all day without food (and then raid the refrigerator at night time) I get the impression that if there were a law that made lunch illegal, many Americans would quickly fade away. Probably the most effective way to wage a war against the USA is to cut off their lunch supply. The rest should be a piece of cake.

I’m not sure if most Americans can remember where they were and what they did when Britney Spears had her first baby, but I bet you a dollar they know exactly what they had for lunch that day.

As a matter of fact, lunch is without a doubt the most used word in the English language. The words “the” or “and” don’t even come close. Lunch is so important, people don’t just talk about it while they are having it. They talk about it …always! It has practically become an art to converse about it. If you want to have a good chat with an American, ask him what he had for lunch. He will tell you in great detail what he had, where he had it, why he had it, how he had it, what he was experiencing while he had it and how much he paid for the meal of the day. His eyes will get teary and chances are high he’ll put you in his will for your kind companionship. If it’s not lunch time yet but you need to make a good impression, ask him what he had for lunch the day before and you’ll still be included in his will.

No matter what you have for lunch, people want to know about it. And they like to compliment you on your good choices. Waiters are the worst. Whatever you order, it’s always a good choice. I tested it at IHOP the other day. I ordered a Super Supreme Pizza with extra cheese.

“Good choice!” the waiter replied. “But we don’t serve pizza.”

“Darn it! Just bring me the extra cheese then.”

“Good choice!”

I’ve made most of my observations at work, of course. That’s where I’m usually at when lunch time comes around. The work place can be a dangerous environment. I’m not talking about dangerous machinery or such, I’m talking about my co-workers. There’s a certain hostility towards people who don’t eat anything during lunch break. I used to just get me a cup of coffee, sit outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes. Not for long though, because I would get those weird looks from my co-workers, like I was an illegal immigrant or something.

Actually, the interrogation would start in the mornings:

“What’s for lunch?”

“I don’t know.”

“You didn’t bring lunch?”

“No.”

“Cool! So where are you gonna go for lunch?”

“Nowhere.”

“I see. Do you need to lay down for a while?”

I have learned to come to work with a backpack. I tell phenomenal stories about its tasty content and when lunch time comes around I just hide behind the dumpster for thirty minutes, smoking my cigarettes. Upon my return, I push out my belly, moaning: “That was sooo good!” When lunch time is finally over, that’s where the real problems start. Because everybody is walking around slightly leaning towards starboard and now they want to know what made everybody else feel so miserable. So I have to lie again:

“Man, that meatloaf is killing me! Good lunch, though. I‘d do it again any time!”

Every now and then I walk into a typical American lunch trap:

“Would you pay fifty bucks for a seafood buffet?”

“Hell no!”

“Exactly! The one at the Rio Hotel is only 27.95. Let’s go!”

It bugs me when I get tricked into going places. But I have to admit that life at work is always much easier afterwards. People surround you and ask questions about the seafood. Was it good? Was the price ok? How big were the crab legs? Were there people present who could remember their lunch the day Britney Spears’ child was born? It’s some kind of bonding, I guess.

I can’t wait for my Little Rib to come back home. She makes the most delicious sandwiches and she puts them in my lunch box aside with some spicy radishes and a few chunks of cheese. I rarely ever get to eat it because I show it to my co-workers just to prove that I appeared to work with some kind of lunch. They inspect it and keep picking at it till it’s gone. It’s ok, but I hate them all for eating my cheese!

… it’s way too quiet on this blog. But it’s my Little Rib’s fault. She’s been gone for almost two months now (and will be for another two weeks) and I’ve lost over 25 pounds. I’m too weak to write! I can’t even see straight. Everything is blurry. I need food! Last night I tried to order pizza, but my voice was just a whisper. My boss doesn’t even notice me anymore because I’ve gotten so skinny.

But don’t worry. I don’t look as good as Arnold Schwarzenegger but our accents are quite similar. Therefore let me tell you: I’ll be back!

I don’t know why but I was totally calm today. Somehow I knew I was going to pass the test. Somehow I knew that this stupid test was not going to stand between me and my citizenship. I have been waiting for this too long!

After I swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, John asked me a series of questions. John was the alien tester. He could make me an American, or he could make me stay German. And believe it or not, the first question was: Who wrote the Star Spangled Banner? It’s a good thing GM Roper confirmed my Ricky Martin hunch!

Next question: How many members are in the House of Representatives? I looked at John for multiple choices. He didn’t give me any, so I kept looking at him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked.

“I need multiple choices.”

“This is not a multiple choice test.”

“It was when I studied for the test.”

“Do you know the answer?”

“I have multiple answers.”

“Pick one.”

“435.”

“Very good. How many justices are in the Supreme Court?”

“Nine. Seven. Not enough. Cinco.”

“Pick one.”

“Nine.”

“Very good.”

This went on for about five minutes till he moved on to another subject:

“Now would you please read the sentence at the bottom of the paper for me.”

I looked at the paper and this is the sentence he pointed out to me:

She was happy to have met his sister.

Hm, this was a toughie. The key had to be somewhere in the grammar, I thought. “Have met” is present perfect, isn’t it? But was that the answer he wanted to hear? Shouldn’t it be present perfect progressive: She was happy to have been meeting her? When on earth do you use that grammatical stunt? Or even worse: She was happy to had been meeting her. Past perfect progressive. And progressive it was. Maybe it was a trick question and she wasn’t happy at all to have met his sister. Maybe he didn’t even have a sister. Maybe he had two sisters and the whole thing was actually a math problem. I hate math!

“Is there a problem?”

“Yes. I hate math.”

“Excuse me?”

“Is there a math problem hidden in this question?”

“Which question?”

“This one right here.”

“That is not a question. It’s a statement and I want you to read it out loud.”

“I see, so then you expect me to read it in its correct tense?”

“Mr. Meyn, why don’t you just read the sentence to me?”

“Ok, I will. She was happy to have met his sister.”

“Very good. Thank you!”

“So tell me, she wasn’t really happy to have met his sister, was she?”

“We’ll never know. This was just to test your reading skills.”

“It was? Did I pass?

“Well, for a while I thought you wouldn‘t, but you did. Now to your speaking sk- …”

“Howmuchwoodcanawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood? Awoodchuckwouldchuckasmuchwoodasawoodchuckcouldifawoodch- …”

“Alrighty! Passed that one, too, I guess.”

“Yippee! Am I an American now?”

“Not yet. I have to test your writing skills.”

“I’m ready.”

“Please write down this sentence: She was very happy with her new house.”

“Not her again!”

“Please? She was very happy with her new house.”

“I’m ready.”

“Ok, write.”

“Can I borrow your pen?”

“No.”

So this is how people fail the test. They forget to bring their own pens. Amateurs! I reached into my pocket, pulled out a pen and wrote: She was very happy with her new house. (past tense)

John seemed to be impressed with my professional language skills. He nodded silently. Then he said:

“Congratulations! You’ve passed the test.”

“Yippee! Am I an American now?”

“Not yet. It will take another 30 to 40 days until you get sworn in and become officially a citizen. But I will grant you citizenship immediately, right here on the spot, if you can answer the bonus question.”

“Bonus question?”

“Yes. If you answer it correctly you will be an American citizen today. If you don‘t, we have to deport you to Germany. Are you willing to take the risk?”

“Sure. Let’s do this.”

John did a few mouse clicks on his computer and with the most serious look on his face he gave me a print-out with the following question:

Which of these is a purpose of the United Nations?

( ) To discuss and try to resolve world problems
( ) To settle civil wars
( ) To protect the United States
( ) To govern the world

So here I am, back in Germany, trying to figure out a way to come back home. If you have any advice, please contact me at overthehedge@usains.com.

Friday, May 19th, will be a very important day for me. A few weeks ago I received a letter from the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS):

“If you are applying for citizenship for yourself, you will be tested on your knowledge of the government and history of the United States. You will also be tested on reading, writing, and speaking English …”

I’m so excited! I’m one step closer to becoming an American. Now I just have to pass this test. Fortunately there are many websites on the internet that provide you with the questions, and fortunately it’s all multiple choice, so only having a slight idea can get you very far sometimes.

I want to share my progress with our readers. This is what I’ve learned so far. If you see any mistakes, PLEASE let me know immediately!

Who wrote the Star Spangled Banner?
( ) Francis Scott Key
( ) George Washington
( ) Thomas Jefferson
(x) Ricky Martin

How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
( ) Very many!
( ) 27
( ) 9
(x) Hard to say. It’s all written in Spanish nowadays.

What is one benefit of being a citizen of the United States?
( ) Travel
( ) Vote for the candidate of your choice
( ) Health care
(x) Hire illegal immigrants

What do the stars on the flag mean?
( ) One for each President
( ) One for each Article of the Constitution
( ) One for each state in the Union
(x) One for each Hispanic cable channel

Who is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court today?
( ) George W. Bush
( ) Thomas Jefferson
( ) John G. Roberts, Jr.
(x) Alberto Gonzales. Gotta be him!

What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
( ) Freed the Indians
( ) Ended the Civil War
( ) Freed many slaves
(x) It made us pick a language first before getting cash from an ATM

What is the head executive of a state government called?
( ) Mayor
( ) City President
( ) Congressman
(x) Gobernador

Who makes the laws in the United States?
( ) The President
( ) The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
( ) Congress
(x) Excellent question!

What is the basic belief of the Declaration of Independence?
( ) That there are 50 states in the Union
( ) That all men are created equal
( ) That George Washington was the first President of the U.S.
(x) Si, se puerde!

What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
( ) The Santa Maria
( ) The Bill of Rights
( ) The Nina
(x) The Cinco de Mayoflower

Which of the following is not one of the Constitutional requirements in order to be eligible to become President?
( ) Must be at least 35 years old by the time he/she will serve
( ) Must have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years
( ) Must be a natural born citizen of the U.S.
(x) Must have served as a gobernador

When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
( ) July 4, 1776
( ) July 4, 1787
( ) July 4, 1812
(x) Mañana

Well, it looks like I’m ready for the big test. What do you think?

Dear Mahmoud,

Thanks for taking the time to write your thoughtful letter. I appreciate you educating me about history, geography, democracy, military strategy, geopolitics, science, technology and eology, since these weren’t my favorite subjects in school.

I’d appreciate it if you would read my letter on TV to your 68 million citizens to help us both forge a bond of peace, grounded in our shared monotheism.
In your 18-page letter, you asked me more than 63 questions.

The answer is ‘No’.

Now, let me ask you a few questions.

1) When you’re alone in a room by yourself, what do you all talk about?
2) How many moons can you see from your planet?
3) Roughly how long will it be before your mothership returns?

Take your time. Feel free to use the back of the paper to record your answers.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush, POTUS

(From my favorite satirical blog: ScrappleFace)

A must-read at The Brussels Journal.

If you want to change my mood from grumpy to ecstatic, all you need to do is give me a big chunk of cheese. My favorite kinds are probably Gouda and Swiss, although I have to say that the holes in the latter bother me a lot. I don’t even understand how they got there. There are certain types of cheese I find rather repulsive, especially the kind with the mildewy look, but other than that: I love cheese!

I guess you can say that I’m a cheese addict. Now and then I lie in wait for my Little Rib to exit the grocery store so I can yank the bags from her and devour the cheese, slice by slice, right out of the package. I assume this obsessive-compulsive disorder is rooted in my childhood. At home a slice of cheese always had a designated slice of bread. Never, under no circumstances, were we allowed to eat just a plain slice of cheese. That was strictly verboten. Every time I got caught violating that rule my allowance was cut down to zero.

I don’t remember how my sister was able to manage. Maybe she never liked cheese, which would explain why her childhood was much more pleasant than mine. Guided by my uncontrollable cravings I used to crawl into the kitchen in the middle of the night. One time I was a little over-hasty and I bumped into the kitchen table with my shoulder. Oh boy, did I get in trouble. Up to this day I don’t get my weekly allowance!

I’ve been told that cheese causes flatulence. That might very well be but I wouldn’t know because I can’t recall which came first, the cheese or the flatulence. However, a strong wind from down south will instantly ruin anybody’s appetite and I won’t have to share my cheese. But I’m exaggerating now; I would never share cheese with anybody. Guests in our home are not permitted to set foot in the kitchen and we only offer dry bread for snacks. Sandwich meat cannot be found here. Why bother? There’s no cheese in it!

When my Little Rib is cooking I always make sure that at least one of the side dishes include some type of cheese. Oh, and melted cheese puts me in a state of bliss. Chicken breast with melted cheese on top … yummy! Isn’t life great? I love it so much that I could even put melted cheese on my toothbrush.

Moments that should never pass are those in which my Little Rib prepares a huge plate of cheese for our TV nights. She puts a lot of effort into it, making little toothpick skewers with cheese and grapes. Just for that I will love her forever! I always throw the grapes behind the couch, but it’s the thought that counts.

Today she told me that I was screaming in my sleep last night. Several times, actually, and despite her trying to calm me. Apparently someone in my nightmare must have found my secret stash of cheese. How scary! But it’s a good thing that I don’t remember anything. This could have scarred me for all eternity! Just to be on the safe side I will never let anybody come into our house again.

You’ve probably heard that Neil Young is about to release his new album “Living with War”. On the Fox News Website I found the lyrics to one of his songs “Let’s impeach the President”. I took the liberty to come up with my own version of this song and I would like to introduce it to the world. If you don’t like my exquisite rhymes, don’t complain here! I just tried to copy Young’s impeccable style and I think I’ve nailed it:

Let’s impeach Neil Young

Let’s impeach Neil Young for slander
And leading our country into hatred
Abusing the gift he’s been given
And using our money for crack.

He’s the man who hired all the singers
The MTV shadows who pose in front of open doors
and talk crap to fit with their delusional stories
Of why we have to send our heroes to war

Let’s impeach Neil Young for imposing
On citizens inside their own homes
his terrible views of our President
by singing his songs on our radios

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
How did he come up with that question?
Well, he must have left his brains at home that day!

Let’s impeach Neil Young
For hijacking our deepest believes that we need protected
Providing the dumb with lame songs
And leaving the smart neglected

Thank God your career is almost at an end
Maybe one more Grammy but then it’s time to say your good-byes
Don’t worry, old Young, Hollywood will hold your hand
And make a movie about you filled with lies

Thank God?