YAY! I Passed!
I don’t know why but I was totally calm today. Somehow I knew I was going to pass the test. Somehow I knew that this stupid test was not going to stand between me and my citizenship. I have been waiting for this too long!
After I swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, John asked me a series of questions. John was the alien tester. He could make me an American, or he could make me stay German. And believe it or not, the first question was: Who wrote the Star Spangled Banner? It’s a good thing GM Roper confirmed my Ricky Martin hunch!
Next question: How many members are in the House of Representatives? I looked at John for multiple choices. He didn’t give me any, so I kept looking at him.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
“I need multiple choices.”
“This is not a multiple choice test.”
“It was when I studied for the test.”
“Do you know the answer?”
“I have multiple answers.”
“Pick one.”
“435.”
“Very good. How many justices are in the Supreme Court?”
“Nine. Seven. Not enough. Cinco.”
“Pick one.”
“Nine.”
“Very good.”
This went on for about five minutes till he moved on to another subject:
“Now would you please read the sentence at the bottom of the paper for me.”
I looked at the paper and this is the sentence he pointed out to me:
She was happy to have met his sister.
Hm, this was a toughie. The key had to be somewhere in the grammar, I thought. “Have met” is present perfect, isn’t it? But was that the answer he wanted to hear? Shouldn’t it be present perfect progressive: She was happy to have been meeting her? When on earth do you use that grammatical stunt? Or even worse: She was happy to had been meeting her. Past perfect progressive. And progressive it was. Maybe it was a trick question and she wasn’t happy at all to have met his sister. Maybe he didn’t even have a sister. Maybe he had two sisters and the whole thing was actually a math problem. I hate math!
“Is there a problem?”
“Yes. I hate math.”
“Excuse me?”
“Is there a math problem hidden in this question?”
“Which question?”
“This one right here.”
“That is not a question. It’s a statement and I want you to read it out loud.”
“I see, so then you expect me to read it in its correct tense?”
“Mr. Meyn, why don’t you just read the sentence to me?”
“Ok, I will. She was happy to have met his sister.”
“Very good. Thank you!”
“So tell me, she wasn’t really happy to have met his sister, was she?”
“We’ll never know. This was just to test your reading skills.”
“It was? Did I pass?
“Well, for a while I thought you wouldn‘t, but you did. Now to your speaking sk- …”
“Howmuchwoodcanawoodchuckchuckifawoodchuckcouldchuckwood? Awoodchuckwouldchuckasmuchwoodasawoodchuckcouldifawoodch- …”
“Alrighty! Passed that one, too, I guess.”
“Yippee! Am I an American now?”
“Not yet. I have to test your writing skills.”
“I’m ready.”
“Please write down this sentence: She was very happy with her new house.”
“Not her again!”
“Please? She was very happy with her new house.”
“I’m ready.”
“Ok, write.”
“Can I borrow your pen?”
“No.”
So this is how people fail the test. They forget to bring their own pens. Amateurs! I reached into my pocket, pulled out a pen and wrote: She was very happy with her new house. (past tense)
John seemed to be impressed with my professional language skills. He nodded silently. Then he said:
“Congratulations! You’ve passed the test.”
“Yippee! Am I an American now?”
“Not yet. It will take another 30 to 40 days until you get sworn in and become officially a citizen. But I will grant you citizenship immediately, right here on the spot, if you can answer the bonus question.”
“Bonus question?”
“Yes. If you answer it correctly you will be an American citizen today. If you don‘t, we have to deport you to Germany. Are you willing to take the risk?”
“Sure. Let’s do this.”
John did a few mouse clicks on his computer and with the most serious look on his face he gave me a print-out with the following question:
Which of these is a purpose of the United Nations?
( ) To discuss and try to resolve world problems
( ) To settle civil wars
( ) To protect the United States
( ) To govern the world
So here I am, back in Germany, trying to figure out a way to come back home. If you have any advice, please contact me at overthehedge@usains.com.
Let me guess. You chose (past tense) the forth answer.
But don’t worry, take a German bear.
Comment by Mark Mallokent - May 19, 2006 @ 11:05 pm
I suspect that John is now seeking a residency permit in Mexico.
Comment by Bill Brown - May 20, 2006 @ 7:01 am
You’ve done some funny posts, this one tops ‘em all. (and hell no, I don’t know if that is past pluperfect, future progressive perfect or what ever… nor do I care…)
Hmm, I wonder why I don’t remember any of this when I got my naturalization certificate… I just stepped up, raised my right hand, swore (I like swearing sometimes damn it) and next thing I know I was a US citizen and I got a certificate later that said I was a US citizen from the day I was born in Germany…
Congratulations Michael, I’m proud to call you friend, I’m proud that you chose to become a US Citizen.
Comment by GM Roper - May 20, 2006 @ 9:07 am
I cannot understand how my dear granmother from Croatia managed to get her US citizenship. Her English was abominable. Our favorite quote of hers was when she went to visit a friend in a nursing home and told us “It’s like living in a consternation camp!”
Comment by ralphieboy - May 20, 2006 @ 10:25 pm
Michael,
Better hurry back soon.
If you should bump into Chancellor Merkel, please pass on this quote from Rush Limbaugh: “No nation has ever taxed itself into prosperity.”
BTW, congratulations on your new citizenship, and welcome home.
Comment by Chuck - May 21, 2006 @ 1:05 am
@Chuck
the German government is not trying to tax the country into prosperity, they are simply recognizing the fact that they are in a serious hole. Raising taxes will not get them out of it, it is simply a measure to keep them from sinking any deeper.
Comment by ralphieboy - May 21, 2006 @ 6:45 am
Does scraping the bottom of the barrel raise it any higher?
Comment by Bill Brown - May 21, 2006 @ 12:21 pm
It’s more like they are cutting pieces out of the bottom of the boat in order to patch the holes in the side.
Comment by ralphieboy - May 21, 2006 @ 9:55 pm
That’s the best simile I’ve heard yet, ralphieboy.
Comment by Bill Brown - May 22, 2006 @ 7:05 am
That’s the best simile I’ve ever come across, ralphieboy
Comment by Bill Brown - May 22, 2006 @ 7:07 am
Sorry for the double entry. While Michael may not be prejudiced against Mexicans, that code is definitely designed to impede the marginally color blind.
Comment by Bill Brown - May 22, 2006 @ 7:11 am
Congratulations!
Comment by Elzbth - May 22, 2006 @ 7:12 pm
this enter code stuff REALLY is a big shit. please optimize it at least A BIT. one cannot fucking recognize ANYTHING.
Comment by Outch, my eyes! - May 24, 2006 @ 4:41 am
Re #13,
If you couldn’t recognize the code, how did you leave the comment saying that you couldn’t recognize the code? Just asking.
Comment by Chuck - May 24, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
I haven’t done any hllucinogenics for decades, but this code background is like flashback city!!! Can you have it set up to play excerpts from “Dark Side of the Moon”?
Comment by ralphieboy - May 24, 2006 @ 11:38 pm
What code are y’all talkin about?
Oh yeah, and Congratulations! on the citizenship
Comment by Grimmy - May 25, 2006 @ 7:38 pm
It reminds me of something by DaVinci…all Brown!
Comment by ralphieboy - May 25, 2006 @ 10:03 pm
I’m getting tired of having to write my comments in German over at “Gegenstimme”. Somebody else please chime in here soon!!!
Comment by ralphieboy - May 31, 2006 @ 5:05 am
Oh, is this how it’s gonna be? You get your citizenship and then…. what? gonna abandon us all?
Where you at?
Comment by Grimmy - May 31, 2006 @ 3:50 pm
Grimmy,
well, according to his posts on his German site, it seems that Michael has come out of the closet, converted to Islam and is probably off touring Palestininan refugee camps before coming back to start campaigning for Hillary ‘08.
Comment by ralphieboy - June 1, 2006 @ 11:51 pm
ralphieboy:
Is that right? Well hell.
Guess it’s time to call my ol service buddy that’s working over in INS and the several others that are working in and around the Dept Home Land Security and do a bit of finger pointing… or something.
Comment by Grimmy - June 2, 2006 @ 6:31 pm
You mean have the CIA render him over to Uzbekistan for a little hot oil treatment?
Comment by ralphieboy - June 2, 2006 @ 10:34 pm