The cockroach slipper
If you live in the US you have to face a certain reality: Cockroaches live here, too. They are everywhere. No matter how often you have the exterminator spray poisonous chemicals throughout the whole house, it’s impossible to get rid of the annoying roaches. They come, they stay, they drive my Little Rib insane.
As far as I’m concerned, I have almost gotten used to them. I lived in New York for a while and the bug problem was much worse there. The cockroaches even crawled around in my bed. I had a hard time dealing with that and I used to sleep at the kitchen table, always leaving the lights on because I noticed that roaches like to spread out under the cover of darkness.
Compared to New York the problem isn’t as bad here in Vegas. Actually we only have two critical areas in our apartment: the kitchen and the bathroom. While the kitchen makes sense to me I have no idea why any kind of bug would want to spend time in the bathroom. I ask myself that question every time I hear a crunching sound from under my feet.
An ordinary Las Vegan cockroach comes in sizes between one inch and eight feet. When sighting one of the bigger specimen you get intimidated, of course, but then you grab the slipper. The cockroach slipper! It’s a powerful weapon and my Little Rib has transformed into a competent killer-machine. She has developed an extremely sensitive eye for any kind of enemy movement. Easily she can hunt down 50 roaches in an hour and every execution is followed by a disgusted “Ewwwww!” She hates cockroaches. Yes, she hates them so much that she mobilizes all her strength, and should you accidentally walk right into the line of smashing you can expect serious injuries.
The roach problem has been getting out of hand lately. It seems as if they are trying to expand into new regions, for example into my coffee cup, on our dinner plates or on my left hand while I’m writing this. All areas where the cockroach-slipper would cause more damage than results. That’s why my Little Rib lost her patience last week. Highly enraged she stormed into the leasing office to let the manager know that we would move out, should management not be able to get rid of the roaches.
“You’re not going anywhere!” prophesized the manager, and she pressed a secret button under her desk. Seconds later a tall and frightening looking man appeared and positioned himself directly in front of my Little Rib. She was just about to smash him with the cockroach slipper when the manager announced in a conspiratorial voice:
“May I introduce you to Rocky…our George W. of pest control! He will take care of all your problems.”
Immediately my Little Rib curtsied politely and then dropped on her knees in awe.
“Thank you, mighty Rocky! Thank you so much!”
Rocky came over to our apartment the same evening to check on the severity of the situation. He inspected every single room, including a small closet that I had never noticed before, making notes on a little pad. For a short while he completely vanished which was a pretty impressive phenomenon, considering the small size of our apartment.
After the inspection, Rocky let us know that we weren’t dealing with ordinary roaches. According to him we had fallen victim to the so-called German Roaches, stubborn creatures, which were given that name because once they’ve invaded a place …
Rocky was certain to successfully parry the German invasion.
“Give me one week and the bugs will be gone.”
In strategically important zones he set up poisoned peanut-butter traps. He also sprayed a top secret mixture of deadly bug poisons all over the place. “I’ll see you in one week”, he informed us when he left.
That was last Wednesday. One day later I climbed out of bed with a terrible headache. In addition to that I felt really dizzy, I had rashes all over my body and a slight loss of teeth. My Little Rib must have had similar problems; I found her laying on the ground in front of the bathroom, clinging tightly to the cockroach slipper.
“Be honest, Schnuckie,” I asked her when she came to. “You tried the peanut butter, didn’t you?”
“Nonsense!” she hissed at me with bleeding gums. “It’s that damn stuff that was sprayed here.”
She was right. Rocky hadn’t looked like an Iraqi, otherwise I would have known where all the weapons of mass destruction had gone. I opened all windows in the apartment, hoping the fresh air would do us good.
“Your eyes are swollen!”
“Don’t worry, Schnuckie. I see all blurry anyway.”
I fell back into my bed, totally exhausted. The last thing I heard was the loud slam of the cockroach-slipper and a disgusted “Ewwwww!”
The week is almost over. I can’t wait to tell that Rocky what a total loser he is! The German invasion is still on-going. We are contemplating getting some kind of fire-insurance and burn the whole place down.
At least our physical problems have diminished. Except for my eyes; they are still swollen.
Cockroaches like bathrooms because they prefer places with higher humidity and they use the plumbing to move between apartments. If you live in a large apartment complex, you will never get rid of them, but covering the drains really well at night will help the problem.
Comment by beav - March 15, 2006 @ 6:35 am
In the Southwest, they have enormous cockroaches - almost 2″ long. They are impossible to kill with one blow, even if you smash them with a cinderblock, at least one leg will continue twitching.
Comment by ralphieboy - March 15, 2006 @ 6:47 am
From your symptons so far you are lucky. My daughter’s father-in-law was sleeping unnoticed on the couch when the cockroach terminator made an unscheduled visit. The spray was some sort of nerve gas and brain damage was the result.
Comment by Bill Brown - March 15, 2006 @ 8:02 am
@Michael Meyn or shall I call you ‘Gregor’. By the looks of the picture, it is too late for you. You may find solace in Frans Kafka’s ‘The Metamorphosis’. For the love of God remove all fruit from your lodgings as these will become deadly projectiles in the hands your frightened and resentfull dependants. Pity we know so little about the Homo-Insectoid comunitity. If life deals you an exoskeleton, enjoy having an open circulatory system. Do n’t get caught up in the whole “they check in but they do n’t check out” Roach Motel victim-thing. Research is always progressing.
Comment by Del Hoeft - March 15, 2006 @ 10:42 am
It’s only a short crawl from the Roach Motel to the Bates Motel…
Comment by ralphieboy - March 15, 2006 @ 11:09 am
Ha! I’ve seen cockroaches in Panama that had front and rear license plates. You throw a shoe at them, they throw it back. You have to use rat traps to catch them and sometimes they just walk off with them.
Actually if you want to go the organic extermination way, just get a gekko or whatever type lizard the pet shop recomends, they’ll eat them.
Comment by Paul - March 15, 2006 @ 1:56 pm
Get out your Daisy “Red Rider” BB gun and turn the place into a shooting gallery!
Comment by Ray - March 15, 2006 @ 8:42 pm
Hmmm… I don’t know about the BB gun. Ya could put an eye out. A rather large swollen one at that.
Comment by Del Hoeft - March 16, 2006 @ 9:24 am
Boric Acid Powder.
Smear it on the walls, counter tops, sprinkel it on the carpets, use a spoon to “flick” a dusting of it under refrigerator and stove, dont forget under sinks and such too.
You dont need to have it down in visible amounts. Just enough that it will collect on their feet. They’ll track it back to their nests. It’ll dry up their egg piles, and eat up their legs.
Best part is, it wont hurt you.
Comment by Grimmy - March 17, 2006 @ 4:27 am
There was a joke in the film “A Bug’s Life”:
How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb?
-Nobody knows: as soon as the light comes on, they all scatter!
Comment by ralphieboy - March 17, 2006 @ 4:46 am
Wait a minute! Are those cockroaches in your sauerkraut?
Comment by Bill Brown - March 18, 2006 @ 5:49 pm
Of course not, Bill. It’s just their droppings.
Comment by Michael Meyn - March 18, 2006 @ 6:39 pm
bb,
those are juniper berries. The British use them to make gin, the Germans to make sauerkraut. I think that says enough about both cultures…
Comment by ralphieboy - March 18, 2006 @ 11:12 pm
The thing about cockroaches… if you live in apartment buildings or other situations (Brownstone) where large numbers of apartments are connected you will continue to experience them. If you actually do move, rent in a free standing, 2 or 3 family, owner occupied, house. It will change your life. No more cockroaches.
Comment by Steve_Mac - March 22, 2006 @ 7:32 am
Don’t you worry ’bout them roaches. They’ll still be alive and kicking long after we’ve gone.
Comment by Mike - March 27, 2006 @ 1:53 am
Well, if there is one thing among others which speaks for Europe and especially Germany and Austria is the fact, that Cockroaches and other bugs like these are not real a problem - even not in huge cities.
(as I speak for Vienna).
Let´s face the facts. These animals are superior to human beings in question of survival and conquering areas.
All the punctual actions won´t solve this problem, whole blocks have to be filled with deadly gas just to postpone the problem - it can´t be solved at all.
The only thing I can think of is biological warfare in form of bug eating creatures, which are nightactive. So you have to estimate, what problem is more severe for you.
Bugs or bug-defeating animals, crawling both all around and shitting your flat full.
Greetz
Don
Comment by Don - March 30, 2006 @ 2:59 am
Mrs. Geezer and I grew up in Vegas, lived there 50 years.
Like Grimmy said, Boric Acid is the solution to the problem. There is also some expensive stuff called Roach-Pruf. The main ingredient is Boric Acid.
I think you have to buy it at the drugstore, but maybe Walmart has it.
Comment by Retired Geezer - April 1, 2006 @ 10:48 pm