Super Bowl
My neighbor was in tears. A big guy, 6′ 4″ tall, crying like a baby. I ran into him at the dumpster out in the parking lot.
“What’s the matter?” I asked him.
“It’s nothing.” He wiped the tears off his cheeks.
“Alright, I won’t ask then.”
“It’s my damn wife! I really don’t ask for much but once a year I just would like to be left alone for a few hours and watch the Super Bowl.”
“And? Why don’t you?”
“She planned a trip to the in-laws. They live out in the desert. No TV!”
“Then go next weekend.” I suggested.
“It’s her mom’s birthday. If we don’t show up today life will be much more complicated from this day on.”
“That’s just cruel!”
“I know! I think I‘m the only American who will not be watching the game.”
“My woman would never do that to me. Not on Super Bowl day.”
“Well, aren’t you the lucky one. I need to lay down for a bit.”
He started crying again and slowly climbed into the dumpster. That was a little awkward and I decided to turn around and walk away.
What a poor guy, I thought when I went back to my apartment. How could a woman deprive her husband from the most important football game in the world? Sometimes people can be so selfish. Immediately I dropped down on my knees and thanked the Lord for blessing me with my Little Rib.
I turned on the TV. The game was about to start. Boy, was I excited!
“Schnuckie, where’s my cheese?”
“What cheese?”
“It’s tradition! When I sit on the couch there’s always cheese in front of me. Remember?”
“Not now, please. The carpet cleaners will be here tomorrow. I have to straighten up this place a bit.”
“It’s not like I’m asking you to set up a buffet here, as most Americans do on a day like this. Just a little cheese, please.”
“Get it yourself. But I don’t think we have cheese.”
“No cheese?” How on earth was I supposed to get through a nail-biting game without cheese?
“Well, could you go get some real quick?”
“I just told you, I don’t have time!”
“Do we have any dip?”
“No.”
“Are you sure? Is there anything that I could dip into something?”
“Nope. Unless you want to dip some olives in iced tea …”
When I returned to my couch with a jar of olives and some iced tea, my Little Rib was dragging the coffee table through the living room.
“What are you doing to my foot-rest?” I asked in astonishment.
“I’m making room for the carpet cleaners. Wanna give me a hand here?”
“Now?! Can’t we do that later?”
“It’s my weekend, too, you know. I want to get this over with and then relax.”
“So do I! But how can I relax without my foot-rest?”
“Put your feet on the couch. I don’t like it when you put them on the table anyway.”
“Geez, alright …”
Together we put the table in the kitchen in front of the cheeseless refrigerator. I could hear from the living room that the game had started. Yesss! Within seconds I was back on my couch. My Little Rib followed me with a rag and began to wipe down the television.
“Excuse me! What are you doing?”
“I’m dusting off the TV so you can put it in the kitchen, too.”
“What?! Why?”
“Because I want clean carpets. They can’t clean the carpets if there’s stuff in the way, can they?”
“But I’m watching this!”
“Ask the neighbor to tape it for you.”
“First of all, he’s spending the day in the desert. Second, do you have any idea what you are talking about? This is the most important day of the year! All of America is watching TV today.”
“Oh, really? So what’s your buddy doing in the desert then?”
“Long story. I can’t get into it right now.”
“Good! Now please put the TV in the kitchen.”
That’s when I snapped. How can women be so ignorant? I would have slammed my fists on the coffee table if there had been one. I was mad and I didn’t hesitate to let her know.
“I really don’t ask for much but once a year I just would like to be left alone for a few hours and watch the Super Bowl!”
My Little Rib raised her left eyebrow so high that I feared it would completely detach itself from the forehead and go right through the ceiling.
“You don’t watch the Super Bowl. Ever! You’re not interested in football. You don’t even know who is playing!”
Well, she had a point there and I felt quite foolish. What else was there to say? I came up with something, after I placed the TV on the coffee table in the kitchen:
“Hey, let’s go visit your parents in Germany!”
Even fleeing to Germany would not have helped: the Super Bowl was aired on German TV (at midnight). I wonder if the ARD got a special discount for the broadcast rights from the NFL just to spread the word of the True Football.
Comment by ralphieboy - February 5, 2006 @ 11:32 pm
I’ve never been accused of being a “man’s man”. That said, methinks the big guy balling by the dumpster needs to seriously nut-up. Not to disparage Nevada but if I wanted to crash a Superbowl party there, I’d just show up with a bottle of Night Train and a package of Slimjims. That guys in-laws would n’t live in Chloride perchance?
Comment by Del Hoeft - February 6, 2006 @ 11:26 pm